Yeah we’re going to Ibiza 

Not really Ibiza. Gran Canaria actually. Today we go. 

First words I heard from Tony were ‘get up’. I ignored them for a while and snoozed until I heard them again.

I got up and went down stairs to do shit. Shit unrelated to travel, which prompted from Tony, ‘it’s 8.03am, the cab comes at 9.30am and your in your pyjamas and faffing’.

I carried on faffing. This results in Tony coming into the kitchen and asking, ‘what’s that’?’ A satsuma, I’m eating a satsuma. That OK? ‘.’Great you now have an hour and 20 mins and you think now’s a good time to eat a bleeding satsuma’. ‘Everyone needs breakfast’. ‘Yer everyone is packed by now and ready to go and then they have breakfast’.

Shit I thought to myself, he’s annoyed. Maybe now isn’t a good time to ask if he knows where my travel bag is.

Clearly his words did motivate me as I rushed into the shower/there was no actual rushing. When I got out and reached for my towel I’d soaked a triangle of it. Yer I didn’t realise just how much I relied on that actual triangle to dry.

I packed. Total packing time 16 minutes including time to locate a second blue sandal. For some time it looked like it would take much longer as I had one blue and one orange fliplop, both left feet. Oh and my sun hat is completely flat. Looks like it’s a pizza base. 

I did not pack the cheap ebay shorts I had in Mexico, now long gone. Those bad boys generated so much static I actually got a shock through a broccoli head when I was out food shopping and I was in constant fear of a pant fire with friction/chaffing from my rubbing legs. 

Tony asked me if I packed toothpaste. ‘Shit no’. I went upstairs to get it. I realised half my clothes were still on the floor. Shit. I must have got distracted looking for the flip flop.

As I came down with the toothpaste, Tony asked, ‘where’s its lid’? As I was randomly shoving it in my bag without it. ‘Yer, about that, I’ve got my contacts in it’. ‘I’m not even gonna ask’. Fortunately there was a spare on a second toothpaste yet to be started in the cupboard.

I ask, ‘will I be able to charge shit on the plane’? ‘I doubt it… It’s got no phone charge again has it’.’Nah it’s red lining on 13%’. ‘You are so disorganised’. ‘Nah, just chilled. I just think you can over think this holiday shit and that it’s fun when you unpack not knowing what you’ve got and what you haven’t’. I know I have forgot shit as a) my bag zipped up easily without the need to sit on it and tease the zip round with force, swearing whilst squatting harder on it and b) I was constantly saying to myself, ‘that’ll do, that’s fine’,  as I threw stuff randomly in. 

I ask, ‘do you think Wills will be OK? You know she likes to drink from a running tap’.’Only coz she plays you for a mug. She’s a cat she’ll be fine. Anyway how much water did you put down’? ‘Three cat bowls, a tupple wear dish, two pint glasses and I filled up about an inch in the bath and the sink’. ‘Jesus, they’re not camels’.

I say, ‘oh I know what I meant to ask you to do for me before we go, I wanted you to install some software on my laptop’. ‘Seriously. It’s a quarter past 9 we’ve got 15 minutes until the cab arrives and you think now is a good time to ask me that’. ‘Yer, ok’. Instead we spent the last 15 minutes with Tony shouting out random items and asking if I’d packed them, which got a mixture of yes and no responses. Sometimes I said yes when it was a no and shuffled off quietly to find said item. I didn’t want to give credence to his argument that I was disorganised. I also asked him about items to try to balance out the level of organisation between us. It was met with ‘yes, yes, yes’ and ‘I’m not like you I had a list and packed days ago’. Who actually does that I think to myself. I knew we were going to face this challenge when we first moved in together and looking in the kitchen cupboards he said I wasn’t following the basic rules of stock rotation.

I then hear the words every disorganised/chilled traveller dreads, ‘you can look after the passports’, to which my internal voice said, ‘jeez do I need that level of responsibility in my life’. 

At 9.26, I decided I should perhaps take a shoulder bag for the travel docs. To show my joy at immediately locating one I stay it over me and say, ‘look at me the organised traveller’, as I moonwalk across the lounge floor singing Mahna Mahna do do do do Mahna Mahna, before hearing ‘right stop with the moonwalking the cabs here’. 

Tony immediately pulls the curtains three quarters shut and I say, ‘Argh the good old debate I’m sure all those who grew up in the 80s have. To shut or not shut the curtains is the question’. ‘Just go’! Our parents always shut the curtains when we went away growing up. But now I think you might as well just put your address on Facebook and say we’re away. Though I guess people could just think we’re binge watching a box set. 

In the last seconds Tony says, ‘have you got your phone’. ‘Urgh No’. I grab it along with my Smart watch. A random £20 purchase from the BP garage. One I didn’t want or need and I don’t even like. 

Strapping my watch to my wrist in the cab, Tony says, ‘that won’t work’. ‘Yer, it’s been charged’. ‘Yer and then unplugged for the day’.’Yer but I haven’t used it since it was charged’. ‘It still won’t work’. ‘Why, if I’ve never even switched it on yet’? ‘Because that doesn’t matter. I told you the battery doesn’t last even when it’s not on it still drains the battery’. ‘That’s ridiculous, it must work’. To prove this I switch it on. It shows the words, ‘Hi Tech’ as it boots up, giving me just enough time to say ‘see it works…look at me, I’m hi with tech’, before the words ‘shutting down’ came up. ‘That’s ridiculous. I’m not having that’. ‘I knew you’d have no patience with it’. 

We get on the train to take us to the airport. I say, ‘you look tired honey, you ok’? ‘ Yer, just looking forward to a sleep on the flight’. ‘What with me the petrified flyer next to you’. ‘That’s what headphones are for’. ‘Charmed I’m sure. When we got together 8 years ago and flew you were always like, Argh poor baby, and spoke sweetly to me telling me I’d be ok’. 

We arrive at the airport train station. We have shit bags that won’t stand up when you let them go (and the handle on mine doesn’t push down without extreme force too). Tony proudly stands his up in the lift just saying ‘expert packing’.  So I tried mine it also stood. We had a competition whose could stand the longest. Mine won and I accepted this accolade with the words ‘haha big knob’. 

At the airport I start to feel nervous. God I hate flying! 

 

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2 comments

  1. I love your writing, so much fun to read! So, to the minute and honest….I have to say it kinda reminds me of me… the way I just shove stuff into my suitcase (and pack almost last minute), and go, even if I’m flying to paris from canada. We’ll make it work, right!? How much stuff do you need anyway?

    Liked by 1 person

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