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The night of the spring rolls

Finally after far too long we have wardrobes! The joy! It’s like being on the platform waiting for the tube, spying a seat and then getting it! It’s the same sense of happiness only this time the happiness comes from safely stored pants and doesn’t involve barging anyone.
We have had wardrobes before today but they didn’t last. We had some secondhand ones from my sister that lost vital parts as we drove up the A127 with the boot half open.
If there’s anything harder than putting flat pack furniture together it’s putting flat-packed furniture that’s been dismantled back together!
I’m the big one in the relationship so I do anything that requires banging. Tony my husband holds what I bang including his own fingers.
When we got our secondhand triple wardrobes home, minus a few bits we mutually agreed we were sure we could manage without, I had the idea of building them in their upright position. If you ever find yourself in this position, don’t do it this way!
After about 18 hours of re-construction, standing on the makeshift ladder (the pouffe), I put the sturdy lid of the top of the wardrobe in its final position and told Tony to basically lay inside the shell at the bottom, holding it all together. My plan was to bang this bad boy into situ. Looking below, seeing just the top of Tony’s head, I heard him say, ‘don’t drop it on my head for fucksake’.
With that, I immediately dropped it on his head 6 feet below. The effect was like dropping a potato (one for jacket spuds not one of those little Jersey fellas) onto a house of cards. It flattened him. I literally had to get off the ladder (pouffe) and lift it off him to see if he was dead. I blame the fact I strained to hear what he said and lost my grip.
I knew it was bad when I could see more of the inside of his head than I was supposed to. My response to an emergency situation, I learnt, was to laugh my head off even though Tony had a sizeable gash on his forehead that was bleeding profusely. My reaction to nerves you understand. Tony’s reaction, dazed, was to refuse definitely required hospital treatment and to say, ‘what the fuck have you done to me now?’
Some hours later I knew he was still dazed/concussed when he took longer than usual to browse the Chinese menu and just kept weakly repeating ‘spring rolls’. He was definitely dazed as he wasn’t whinging about the time from order to delivery and getting up to open the door at every set of car headlights that lit up the room, saying, ‘it’s here…about bloody time. He ain’t getting no tip’.
I never felt OK about hanging garments in the wardrobe after that and his Harry Potter scar a constant reminder of that terrible night. I call it the ‘night of the spring rolls’.
So getting these new wardrobes is exciting. Knowing where your pants are at any moment provides a deep sense of security and being able to get my shoes out their temporary home, the summer house, has been awesome. The Australian’s invented that word for this very moment.
Recovering our shoes from the summerhouse, Tony’s Oakley sandals look like they’ve grown a beard as mould has set in to the extent they are barely recognisable as an item of footwear, looking more like a Gorgonzola.
I pick up and remember fondly, the high heels I brought to impress Tony in the early days before I wore flats with gel souls for added comfort. We laughed at how I’d decided I’d wear them for the first time in the snow. I was staying at Tony’s parents and as he and his mum waved me off to work in the early hours asking me if I should be wearing them, I skidded along the path, caught the fence post and said, waving, ‘I’ll be fine’, as I swung violently to the ground. Unwrapping myself from the lamppost, I said, ‘I think I will change them actually’. It was a good chance to get a plaster for my hand too before setting out in moonboots, the pre cursor to Uggs. Never worn em since. Never will. Nonetheless pleased to be reunited with them and to offer them space in my wardrobe until I take them to the charity shop along with a heck of a lot of stuff that must have fit at some point!
Talking of things that no longer fit, there’s my wedding dress. I think that will be my next blog entry, as it really deserves an entry all to itself. Anyway, I have never worn this dress and it is a size 10 and I am not. It’s been in the corner of a room folded nicely in its bag thing, and made a lovely nest for Mr Nut (cat) for as long as I can remember. Anyway, Tony holds it up and says, ‘you’re not keeping this are you’? And unsatisfied with my ‘yes’ answer, he says, ‘great, we’ll put it in the loft shall we until I bury you in it when you die. I’ll wait a few weeks until you decompose a bit and then you should fit nicely into it coz there ain’t no other way it’s happening’. My response, ‘where will Mr Nut sleep now’. Tony’s response, ‘ffs’.
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